How does this sound?

I am trying to write the home page on my site: http://www.solsurfer.com/alienindex.html

What do you think of this? Any suggestions?

So you need a web site

Getting yourself online is exciting to think about. Having a web site is a huge source of advertising for yourself, your business, and your products. Then what are you waiting for? A web site to fall out of the sky?
Right now, your potential web site is screaming to be built. That's because you have just stumbled across Alien Juice Designs. We have a supernatural ability to create the most exciting, bold, and eye-catching web sites on the internet. That's not all. Our web sites are professional, consistent, and make use of all the latest and greatest technology the internet has to offer. After all, what kind of alien wouldn't make use of technology? Don't just take our word on it - take a peek at our portfolio.
So really! what are you waiting for? Cost? Because, we're going to cover that next...
The cost of your web site

The cost of your web site all depends on who's building it for you. Some web designers will charge a few thousand dollars for something that another web designer would charge a few hundred dollars for. The problem is that it doesn't really matter how much money you pay - some people just overcharge because they think they can get away with it. At Alien Juice Designs, we won't rip you off. You will get what you pay for. In fact, our services are so affordable that you will want to give us more money just to not feel guilty.
Making it happen

Let's hope that you are convinced by now. That in mind, simply head over to our Contact page and fly us an email. Describe what you want and when you want it, and we'll tell you how much it will cost. Simple as that.

Business 101

Just introduce who you are and what you do on the main page.

Ditch this and put a link seperately saying Costs or Charges. You should put your charging information on a seperate page.

You also probably will want the 'how to get hold of' info on another page with a link on the main.

Remember, Intro first, then charges, then lets get together.

I like the relaxed tone you are taking.. since the site is called Alien Juices.. and you want a young clientelle, talk to them in their language "a bit".

The homepage is a summary of what they can find on the rest of the pages. Although I sort of break those rules on my own site and dangle a few carrots in their faces. Check out my homepage in the link below if you'd like. That was written by a professional copywriter. You'll see how she used headline questions.. sort of what you are doing too.

It's stilted and amateurish as well as patronising and a little arrogant. Don't preach to them, they know that they want a website that's why they are looking at your site. Why would they want to advertise themselves, their business and their product? Theire business and product, fine but themeselves? That doesnn't make sense. Then you are almost acusatory. What are you waiting for? A web site to fall out of the sky? I hope you aren't calling a prospective client lazy or naive because that's what it sounds like. Not a good move. You then move on to telll them how fabulous you are. A supernatural ability? I see what you are doing but it's almost cringeworthy. Professional and consistent is good but make use of some of the latest technology? Well of course you do or you wouldn't be very good at your job. I have a problem with anyone saying they are professional, don't tell them, show them. Take a peek at out portfolio? Again the motive is fine but the way you've worded it is quite condescending. Cost? Because, we're going to cover that next... I feel this is a little unnecessary, there is a very clear title underneath, reword it or get rid of it. I don't like the cost section, you start well by saying that you are cheaper then you kind of go off on one. You make a classic mistake with regards building a trust relationship, you try to devalue other companies rather than emphasisng your qualities. Say that you are better, quicker, cheaper not that other companies are more expensive and poorer quality. If you point out other companies negatives it looks as though you have nothing to offer so you have to resort to slagging off your competitors. Alarm bells ring for me at that point.

Don't tell them to say when they want it or even what they want. They may say they want a bespoke web app in a week. Also it pressures people they may feel they are in some way obliged to use you if the contact you. A no obligation quote, an informal chat about your requirements are the sorts of thing you should offer on first contact. The prospective client should feel comfortable with contacting you and sure that nothing is expected of them.

You need to look at the whole thing. What do you want to say? Don't chat to them, they aren't interested in you. Tell them what services you offer. Tell them you are cost effective, not cheap. What sort of things can you do? Then point them to your protfolio. Also only reinforce the value of a web presence. Everyone knows the web is important, it's why they are looking for a designer. Just make them feel that they are doing the right thing. An eye catching, informative web site is essential for all businesses today. Not perfect but it's simple, does the job. I think you're trying a bit too hard to create a character. A isde note, for most businesses getting online for the first time can be nerve racking, intimidating and a big hassle. Tell them how you will manage everything. The transition will be smooth and painless. You have the knowledge and the expertise to guide them through the process all they need to do is tell you waht they want and you will accurately interpret their requests and produce something they will be proud of. That is what you need to get across.

Write down what you want to say first, plan it out. Then start putting sommething together. Short and sweet. They haven't the time to mess around with your puns and sensationalism.

I'm not saying what you have written is bad, it's just a bit innappropriate (sp?) and doesn't really say much.


Pete.

Crazy post. First off, sorry for offending you. secondly, i will post a new version later. Thanks for your criticisms.

You are a passionate person with strong beliefs and values. But you have to understand the importance of being experimental and not always doing what everyone else is doing, even if its innapropriate or unconventional. Theres a certain attraction to crude, witty, complacent humor, and I am trying to play around with it. If there are twenty web sites that say the same thing in the same way, I'm not just going to add my own to the list. That would be pointless. I want to try something new and just see what happens.

ANyway, I see the point your making about being overly hostile to the customer. I need to work on the personality of the writing - but by no means will I destroy the personality, becuase that's what makes it easy and interesting to read.

I didn't mean to come across overly critical. Like I say, it's not bad, it just doesn't seem right for the sort of people who will be reading it. At the end of the day, it will be business people for the most part. Lot's of them will be lovely and open minded but the need to know what you are offering and there isn't much of that. Try keeping some of the youthful vibrancy but add more details. I don't mind the humour, I'm only twenty myself and I enjoy unconventional that is what I do myself, unconventional work. But really the thing that should seperate you from all of thos other designers is your product, your portfolio should be the big seller. That way it's, look what I've done rather than look what I can do. A big difference.

Anyway, I wasn't offended and I don't want you to be offended by anything I say. Just my opinion and advice. Take it or leave it, some of it may be way off. I'm no businessman nor am I a copy writer.

Pete.

Well here's something else i wrote:

Custom web design solutions

Welcome to Alien Juice Designs. We specialize in web, graphic, ecommerce, and hosting solutions for small businesses. Our web sites are bold, fresh, exciting, and eye-catching, but nonetheless professional, consistent, and accessible. Whether you are looking to get a fresh start on the internet or are looking to have your outdated web site redesigned, Alien Juice Designs offers quality web solutions that will give your business the competitive edge it needs. We are so good at what we do, you might accuse us of having extraterrestrial powers.

I like that better. Simple and to the point. Only thing I'd change is 'nonetheless'. You make it look as though you can't be all of thos things. Put 'as well as', 'while still being' or somethig similar. It's like your saying attractiveness and professionalism are mutually exclusive. I like this though. It's better structured and more professional.

Pete.

I finished the home page writing:

Web design and development

Welcome to Alien Juice Designs. We specialize in out-of-this-world web, graphic, ecommerce, and hosting solutions for small businesses. Our web sites are bold, fresh, exciting, and eye-catching, as well as, professional, consistent, and accessible. Whether you are looking to get a fresh start on the internet or are looking to have your outdated web site redesigned, Alien Juice Designs offers quality web solutions that will give your business the competitive edge it needs. We are so good at what we do, you might accuse us of having extraterrestrial powers.
Understanding and attention to detail

From the first line of code to the last, your web site will be universally compliant, reaching as many customers as possible. We build upon your ideas, fulfilling your vision and creating a web site true to your company's name. We utilize every tool at our disposal to make sure that your web site is functional, easy to use, beautiful, and conveys exactly what you want to get across. When customers visit your web site, you can be assured that they will be left with a lasting impression. They will not forget your name and will keep coming back for more. With Alien Juice Designs, you will get nothing less than top quality results.
A lasting impression

A web site is permanent. Once you have one, it will never go away unless you make it go away. The value of a web site is incredible. As one of your most beneficial investments, your web site is a priceless tool for sales and publicity. Alien Juice Designs understands this concept and works to make the most out of it.

I really like what you've written there, you've taken note of people's comments and thought carefully about what you want to say and how you want to say it, and I would say it's just about perfect! The only bit I don't like is:
I think it's a slightly confusing statement and might give people the impression that the site can't be changed once it's up. I don't think 'permanent' is a good word to use in web design. Just my opinion!

Looking forward to seeing the finished site - at the rate you're going, you should be finished by tomorrow!

Holy smokes. Read your first homepage and then read your second! What an improvement!
GREAT job... I do agree with Vanessa. I think the line about a site being permanent is just extra wording. That could be deleted.

I like that but agree with th above comments. You've said enough that could be deleted or changed to something more along the lines of 'I can give you a web site that you won't want to change in the forseeable future but that can be updated painlessly'. So they (prospective clients) know that they will get a product that will last but are also aware that they will be able to make changes to things like the content etc.

Nice, I like.

Pete.

danedesigns, firstly can I say that you have done an impressive job with your Home page copy. By taking onboard the lessons others have offered to you in this thread you have changed a sometimes jumbled explanation into something a copywriter would have been proud to have produced. I do agree with the comments others have made about your final sentence, but I have one other point to add, and that is that web copy should be created specifically for your audience.

What I mean by that is that you are creating a web development business, so the first thing a potential client is going to want to see when they come to your website is that you have the ability to create the sort of website they are looking for. Now, I'm a web copywriter by profession, so what I'm about to suggest leaves a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, but because of the industry you are in and the audience you are speaking to, copy is secondary to design. Yuck, I know, I hate saying it, but I spent a very long time looking for a web developer for another business that I was creating and I must have gone through hundreds of web developer/designer websites and the first thing I looked at was, what does their site look like, then PORTFOLIO (what sort of websites do they build). Only when I had satisfied myself that they had the ability to create the style and quality of website from examples of their work would I then read anything the page.

This means that, even though I am continuously telling my clients that they need to have more copy, I think in your case, especially for your Home page I would say that you need to condense the copy still further. Imagine it's a sales pitch, almost slogan-like, a long tagline or several of them. You need to get across in as few a number of words as possible the purpose of your Home page which is 1) to funnel them to your portfolio and 2) To get them to contact you. Longer explanations about who you are and how you do things can be placed on inner pages if your visitor wishes to find them.

Hope this helps.

Richard
Scribbles - Web Copywriting Services
www.scribbles-writing-services.co.uk

Thanks for your help everyone. I think I have finalized it:

Web design and development

Welcome to Alien Juice Designs. We specialize in out-of-this-world web, graphic, ecommerce, and hosting solutions for small businesses. Our web sites are bold, fresh, exciting, and eye-catching, as well as, professional, consistent, and accessible. Whether you are looking to get a fresh start on the internet or are looking to have your outdated web site redesigned, Alien Juice Designs offers web solutions that will give your business the competitive edge it needs. We are so good at what we do, you might accuse us of having extraterrestrial powers.
Understanding and attention to detail

From the first line of code to the last, your web site will be universally compliant, reaching as many customers as possible. We build upon your ideas, fulfilling your vision and creating a web site true to your company's name. We utilize every tool at our disposal to make sure that your web site is functional, easy to use, and beautiful. You can be assured that customers will be left with a lasting impression, will never forget your name, and will keep coming back for more. That's what we can do for you.

DaneDesign,
Very Nice. You have just learned one of the hardest lessons there is about business....hit them fast, hit them hard....Customers have a short attention span.

Well, you just get better and better don't you!

I might just be being picky, but where you say...
A lot of people who have no clue about web designing don't actually know that code comes into it at all (really it's true, I've met such people!), so some might be slightly confused by that line.