Jokes?

Marc · #1 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 15:11

Hey Guys!

If you have any jokes you would like to tell, please post them below and give us a laugh

Let me start you off

Quote:

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living Dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes.

Daniel · #2 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 15:12

hahaha lol thats funny..

Marc · #3 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 15:28

I thought i posted this in the Games Section, obviously never.. Lol!!

alexgeek · #4 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 15:43

Lololol..

Marc · #5 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 15:44

Do you's want another?

alexgeek · #6 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 15:46

okaii

c010depunkk · #7 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 15:47

OK, here's one of my favorites:

Quote:

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says....... "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?" "OK, why not." answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.... Now give me back my dog."

This one's also great:

Quote:

Air Traffic Controller Talk

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "We are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"
Tower: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this: I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following -Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, Roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."
Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

And one for the geeks:

Quote:

Not so common C variable declarations
auto accident;
register voters;
static electricity;
struct by_lightning;
void *where_prohibited;
char broiled;
short circuit;
short changed;
long johns;
unsigned long letter;
double entendre;
double trouble;
union organizer;
float valve;
short pants;
union station;
void check; unsigned check;
struct dumb by[sizeof(member)];

Marc · #8 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:06

1st - one - good

lol
2nd - too long and didnt get
3rd - what?!! I really dont get it..

VanessaJW · #9 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:24

Some long ones there! Here's a shorter one:

Quote:

On the first day of college, the Dean was addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

From the back of the room, a male student raised his hand and inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

simonb · #10 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:29

OK

Quote:

The first Blonde said that Christmas is on a Friday
the other Blonde said i hopes its not Friday the 13th

If you are blode sorry

Marc · #11 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:31

Hahhah!!

That was pretty good! - Vanessa

Simon:

You spelt Blonde 'blode'.

Still pretty good

simonb · #12 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:34

The spell check would not work

Fixed

alexgeek · #13 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:40

No need to be pedantic marc

I would say some of my jokes but i think the phrase "not for here" covers it

welshstew · #14 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:45

I really don't know why this makes me laugh, but it does, every time.

Quote:

Tramp: "ask me if i'm an orange"
Business man: "pardon?"
Tramp: "ask me if i'm an orange"
Business man: "i'm sorry I don't understand"
Tramp: "ask.... me.... if..... i'm.... an.... orange"
Business man: "okaaayyyyyy, are you an orange?"

Tramp: "no"

Marc · #15 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:45

LOL! I was only pointing it out, Alex...

I got another:

Quote:

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t."

Another:

Quote:

One day, two packets of crisps' were walking along the road when another packet of crisps was driving past. The packet of crisp that was in the car said to the two packets of crisps, that were walking if they wanted a lift.

The two packets of crisps walking along the road replied: "No thanks, were walkers"

It is really crap although i laugh every time

simonb · #16 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:49

LOL Thats well good

alexgeek · #17 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:56

Quote:

Originally Posted by welshstew

I really don't know why this makes me laugh, but it does, every time.

LOLOL

welshstew · #18 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:58

Quote:

Originally Posted by alexgeek

LOLOL

it must be a welsh humor thing!

alexgeek · #19 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 16:59

I liked the first one marc.

Ross · #20 (**permalink**) Oct 11th, 2007, 19:19

There is meant to be spelling errors in this joke.... It makes you tell it in a wierd chinese accent

Quote:

A young chinese couple gets married.
She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"